This is a slight change to our usual review process, simply because we consider 'Zombies' to be worthy of page all of its own. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Zombies - And, in if that is so, who are you? what are you? And, have you been living under a squirrel's slipper on the Isle of Shittle, or what? - If this is the case you may not appreciate the fact that Zombies is not a single, stand-alone game. You cannot, for example, simply skip to your nearest gaming emporium and purchase a nice, new, shiny copy of Zombie: I'm afraid to say, 'that is just not possible'.
Sadly, if you wish to play Zombies you will have to buy its parent game 'Call of Duty World at War' (WaW). Perhaps saying 'sadly' is a little too harsh. 'World at War' is not a bad game, it's just not as good as COD4. It also never matched the anticipated greatness that we all craved before its release. But, in some ways, it's still miles better than the joke that is known as 'Call of Duty Modern Lagfare 2'. It did not help that 'WaW' was really the first big game to suffer from post COD4 syndrome. However, one of the biggest problems with 'WaW' is the weapons. Not to put a too fine a point on it - the guns are shit. Not just the normal sloppy shit either. They are real nappy fillers: proper brown, Vindaloo revenge grenades!
Treyarch only have themselves to blame for World at War's problems. If only they have organised a beta version of the game, or listened to their customers complaints, then they might have had a minor masterpiece on their hands.
As it is the only beacon of light that really shines from this ocean of shit is the additional 'Zombie game' which is included, for free, with the World at War package. Let us not make any bones about this: 'Zombies' is a sheer stroke of genius! It goes far beyond the realms of just being good. No, to say it's just a' good game', does not do the designers or programmers any justice at all. It is, by far, one of the best things to grace either the PS3 or Sexbox360. It is a cult. It is genius. It is one of best team-playing, or come to think of it, Solo gaming experiences one could ever hope to have. Although, that said, as with most 'cult' labels, by the very description itself, the game may not appeal to every single person. On the other hand, if you don't like 'Zombies', then there must be something seriously wrong with either you or your bottom.


Bare Bones


We could discuss absolutely everything about Zombies. The intricacies. All the little foibles. We could even talk about every nook and cranny for every single map, but what would be the point. Let us just stick to the basic facts.
There are four Zombie maps: -
The original map, 'Nacht der Untoten' (night of the un-dead): Then there was the first map pack inclusion which was 'Verruckt' (Crazy): The second map pack which was 'Shi No Numa' (Swamp of Death): And last, but no means least, 'Der Riese' (the Giant).
To be honest as good as the others are the one map that anyone should really be interested in is 'Der Riese'. So, just to keep matters straight, with regards to everything we state from this point onwards, we are actually only going to refer to 'Der Riese'.
However, in saying that, there are some direct similarities that apply to all four zombie maps. For a start it is a game that can be played by 1 to 4 people, and the same four playing characters are used for every map pack. Unfortunately, there is no option to choose which character you would like to be, that's up to the Ps3 or Sexbox360, they automatically make the selection for you.


The said characters are: -


Tank DempseyTank Dempsey : - (white score). An American Marine Raider who has a penchant for swearing. A little known fact here; whoever hosts the game automatically plays as Tank Dempsey. He hates Richtofen with a passion, but oddly enough he appears to like Takeo. He often encourages the other characters to support the Japanese warrior when he is over-run or in trouble.



Nikolai BelinskiNikolai Belinski :- (Blue score). A Red Army Soldier, who loves vodka, bears and shouting obscenities at German Scientists.





Dr Edward RichtofenDr Edward Richtofen : - (Green score). A Wehtmacht Scientist, who is allegedly responsible for the creation of the Zombie hoards and their accompanying Hell hounds. Apparently, Richtofen also invented the Wunderwaffe and the ray-gun, two of the game's most powerful weapons. He is also considered the maddest of all the characters in the game. Hefrequently refers to 'Fluffy', a pet dog that he inadvertently biologically altered into a zombified canine. When he successfully purchases the Wunderwaffe from the mystery box Richtofen will announce, to all and sundry, that he is 'aroused'. He likes to kill the zombies slowly, and throughout the game he will berate the other characters for killing far too quickly. He also hates Dempsey with a passion.


Takeo MasakiTakeo Masaki : - (Yellow score). A Japanese Imperial Soldier. Takeo is the quietest of all the characters, his character very rarely speaks. Although Dempsey appears to have a soft-spot for Takeo the feeling does not seem to be reciprocated, when he's running out of ammunition he announces ' My gun is like Dempsey's head – empty'.



Again, we could discuss, at length, the characters various verbal quirks, like for example: Dempsey, refers to the Zombies as 'freak-sacks', or 'meat-bags', or even ' freak-bag-meat-sacks'. The thing is, as delightful, and amusing, as these verbal quotes are, after a year of familiarity these little musings do begin to grind: As far as I'm aware Bobski, Pikey and myself, have all muted the 'game-voice' facility on the option screen – So, it's no more 'Fricken Zombie-flesh-bags' for us then!


Der Riese


Der Riese'The Giant is rising. Face the might of Nazi Zombies in their heart-land.
This is where the master-plan took shape.
Is this where it all ends?'

Promotional tag for 'Der Riese's' release.

What is 'Der Riese'?


Well, it's a large factory that manufactures Zombies. It is based near Breslau in Germany. 'Der Riese' was as part of the last map-pack for 'World at War'. It was released on 9th August, 2009.


What is the aim of playing Zombies on 'Der Riese'?


As with the three other Zombie maps, the aim of the game is to stay alive as long as possible while killing as many Zombies as you can.


How do you earn points?


Players can earn points by killing Zombies, or boarding-up the windows that the Zombies break through while they try to 'lunch on your ass'. It is also possible to grab the odd point by crawling up to, and nudging, the 'Cola-perk machines'. But it's hardly worth it though because of the risk of severe carpet-burns.


What weapons can I use?


Well, if you can afford them you can buy any weapon off the wall. As you wander around 'Der Riese' you will see the white-chalked outline of weapons on the various walls. If you have enough points, simply walk up to the spot and press the square button to purchase the said piece of armoury. There will be a little 'handy-help' type of 'information pop-up box' on the screen by the wall as you approach. Read the information carefully, it tells you not only the cost of the weapon but also the cost of the ammo 'before and after' the weapon has been 'pack-a-punched'.

Click me for a complete weapons list


What is the 'Mystery Box'?


The Mystery BoxThe Mystery Box has the potential to be either the bane, or the delight, of a player's life. For 950 points a player can approach the 'crate of fate' and risk either losing their points on a useless piece of crap called the Kar98k. Or, they can experience the euphoric feeling of lifting the mighty 'Wunderwaffe' victoriously above their heads. The Mystery Box is extremely annoying. During the process of researching for this article I came across of all sorts of tales about the bizarre rituals some gamers will perform just so they can get a decent weapon from the old 'box of bollocks'. Some of these people claim that if you approach the box from the sides, and spin around five times, while simultaneously firing in the air, it will almost certainly guarantee being given a machine gun or a 'Monkey-bomb'. I'm sorry to say, that unfortunately, it's all crap. Although, I admit, I would dearly love it to be true. Trust me, because I would take great delight in running backwards, with one leg blindfolded, with an eye tied behind my back, while spinning on both my ears, all at the same time, just so I could have the assurance of lifting a MG42 from the depths of the 'community chest of chaos'. That would make my day. Realistically, like everything else to do with Zombies, it's all about mathematics.
Sometimes it works in our favour, but more often than not, fate tends to slide a crafty hand under the skirt of luck and sneak a quick grope of 'the nuts of fortune'. Now, that kind of rape can ruin anyone's day!
The 'mystery box' is not a static object. However, it can be seen from a distance because of the pale blue column of light that emanates from just above its location. At the beginning of the game it starts by the electric power-up substation. After it has been used approximately 8 times the cheeky, teddy-bear of doom appears and the box will gently rise into the air and manically giggle as it slowly de-materializes. It will then materialize 'Tardis like', onto any one of the six pre-set locations on the map. All of the weapons that are available to be 'bought off on the wall' can also be found in the box, plus a few more besides. Both of the heavy machine guns are in there; the 'MG42' and the 'Browning'. The faster, more powerful than average 'PPSH' assault gun is also available; as well as the previously mentioned 'Monkey-bombs', 'Wunderwaffe' and 'ray-gun'.

Flame ThrowerThere is also the 'Flame thrower' (shit), the BAR (even more shit) and the M1Garand (excellent crawler making shit) in the box. As well as the Molotov cocktail and the Panzerschrek. In the end though, whatever weapon you use, it all comes down to personally taste. But, every weapon you buy, every single one of them, (with the exception of the grenades, monkey-bombs and Molotov cocktails), has the potential to be 'blinged-up' in the 'Pack-a-punch machine



What is the Pack-a-punch machine?


Pack-A-Punch MachinePut simply, the 'Pack-a-punch' is a stroke of genius. The programmer, or game designer, who came up with this little gem really is the 'king of the clever trouser brigade'. I do hope that Treyarch gave him a rise, and I don't mean the type of rise he would experience if they tickled him softly with a friendly ferret in the 'Gentleman's area'. The 'Pack-a-punch' machine is located at the front of the map. It's in the area where players first materialize at the start of the game, just by the main-frame matrix. It is only activated after the electric power-up substation, and all three transporters, have been opened, activated, or switched on. It's not cheap getting it activated either: there are potentially six doors / gates to open / activate, just to reach the three transporters, and they all cost various amounts of points to achieve this. But, this is the beauty of this game, it's all about team-work. Hence, the burden of opening and activating various gates and electric fences can all be shared equally amongst the players. Unless you're tight, like me, then some other fecker can pay for the privilege instead!
Once it has been activated it costs 5000 points to up-grade a weapon. By up-grade we mean, more power, more bullets and some cases, faster-fire-rates. Now, this is not a guide about 'the best way to play Zombies'. No, there are far better players of this game to consult in the matters of strategy and routine. Bobski and Pikeywhykey for example, are the best people to talk to with regards to the 'Pack-a-punch' three weapon glitch. Normally, you see, the game only allows a player to hold two weapons at a time. But, Mr. Bobski and Mr. Pikeywhykey, have an ingenious method of obtaining a third weapon while up-grading a gun in the 'Pack-a-punch' machine. As an added bonus, this third weapon can also be up-graded as and when required.

"The secret to gaining a third weapon"


What are the 'Cola-perk-machines'?


JuggerNoob... The 'Cola-perk-machines' do exactly as they say on the tin. For a slight cost, ranging from 1500 to 3000 points, players can buy various perks. There are four perk machines: Fast reload; Quick Revive; Juggernog and Double Tap. As a slight contradiction to an earlier statements about game-guides - it has to be strongly advised that a player purchases just three of the four perks available. Whatever you do just ignore the 'Double-tap' perk option, it's an absolute waste of points.

Warning : - If a sneaky member of the un-dead society happens to twat-you-senseless, you will lose all of your perks. Now that is a bit harsh, simply because it will cost you a small fortune in re-purchasing all of the Perk-machine abilities. Sadly, the loss of these skills in the middle of a game can also radically alter the outcome of the match: it can mean the difference between finishing at level 28, or heroically surviving until level 37.

Pictures of the "Cola-Perk-Machine's



What do the Electric Fences do?


FenceThe electric fences fry Zombie-meat-bags, what do you think they do? There are three electric fences, and again, like the 'Cola-perk' and the 'Pack-a-punch' machines, they can only be activated once the electric has been turned on. Not to worry though, the act of actually 'turning the electric substation on' is absolutely free – unlike everything else in the game. All the electric fences cost 1000 points to switch on, and there are two switches per gate, front and back depending on which side of the gate you are facing. The gates, when activated, have a short-power-life, approximately two minutes, and can only be used twice in each round. To be honest they are not much use in the early rounds because it takes too many points away from players, which are normally awarded for kills, when the zombies are helplessly zapped to a crisp by the sparks. The electric fences really come into their own on the later rounds, when every single Zombie death counts.

Warning: - Beware, if you happen to be as clumsy as me - watch where you reload your weapon. Pressing the square button not only performs the act of 'reloading', it is also the same action for activating any switches. Hence, if you are too close to a fence-switch, when you press the reload button, it can inadvertently turn the electric fence on. This results in the loss of a 1000 points: the possible wrath of your friends: and, the potential loss of an all important opportunity to 'have a quick ''fish'' in the mystery box'.


What are the 'Monkey-Bombs'?


Monkey BombsThe Monkey-bombs are, to coin a phrase, 'The canines gonads'. They're fun, little toy, cymbal-crashing chimps with sticks of dynamite strapped to their backs. They can only be obtained from the 'mystery box', and on many occasions have proved to be rarer than rocking-horse-shit. Luckily, like all the other weapons, if a 'ammunition box' is activated by a dead Zombie, then the monkey-bomb stock is also reloaded at the same time. There is a maximum complement of three Monkey-bombs – so use them wisely. They are ideal for chucking out of windows as a means of rescuing 'downed' comrades, or as a aid to clearing a path with the aim of reaching an all important 'ammo re-arm box'. As an added bonus they are hilarious. The Zombies love them too. If you leave the game sound settings alone you are almost guaranteed to hear the odd Zombie shuffle along pleading for 'Monkey play time'.


What happens when a Zombie dies?


It goes to Zombie Heaven. They are dead already, after all, they are Zombies. But, as a treat, the Zombies do occasionally leave little presents. These 'gifts' come in the form of 'glowing symbols'. The most important of these out-of-season Christmas presents is the 'Ammunition Box'. As previously mentioned, it rearms every single players weapon stock. That's both guns, or three if you have mastered the 'Pack-a-punch' glitch: and, again as already mentioned, it reloads the grenades and the Monkey-bomb stocks all at the same time. Like all the other Zombie-parting-gifts, we have absolutely no idea when they are coming. Again, it's all down to mathematics and luck. Out of the other symbols, the one that represents the 'Insta-kill' is a skull emblem. This enables a one shot, or a one stab, kill-ability. The 'Nuke', is a Bomb symbol, this kills all the Zombies within the viewable playing field, although it does have an annoyingly slight time-delay. The 'double-points' ability is represented by 'X2', and guess what, you get double the amount of points for both killing, or wounding the Zombies, and re-boarding the windows. Last and least important, well for the early rounds anyway, is the 'Carpenter'. This is displayed as a 'big hammer', and it steals points off all the players by sealing all the broken windows. To be honest though, it can be a bit of a godsend in the later rounds as it slows the 'ghouls of death' right down, if only for a brief period of time, to a more manageable level.

Warning: - All the Zombie-parcels have a short 'life span'. So, if you happen see the 'Ammunition Box' blinking away on the horizon – Lob a 'Monkey' out of the window, run like the clappers and hope for the best.


Is it true that there are dogs in this game?


DogsYes, it is true. But not to worry because if you give them one of your legs they will soon scuttle off to a far away corner and leave you in peace - Not! The 'Hell hounds' appear, on their own, every four or five rounds. After level 15, they begin appearing amongst the Zombie hoards.


Warning: - The 'Hell Hounds' don't give a monkey about flying monkeys.....



Can I buy grenades?


sYes, you can buy grenades for 250 points from about three or four different locations. Again, like the other weapons, there is a white-chalk outline on the walls to represent their position. Only in this case the grenades are symbolized by what looks like a 'giant oven-glove'. You can also buy 'Bouncing Betty' mines, you get two for 1000 points. It's a kind of 'buy one get one free' policy. They are essential for the 'Pack-a-punch' glitch.


Can I buy a big Fuck-off knife?


Bowie KnifeYes, you can, only in polite society it is more commonly referred to as 'the Bowie knife'. It will cost you 3000 points. We are reliably informed that up until round 12 the 'Bowie knife' is a one-hit-kill weapon. Purchasing the Bowie will replace the default knife, which a player starts with at the beginning of the game, along with the shitty-little-pistol the programmers decided to give everyone.

Warning: - You cannot put the default knife, or the Bowie, in the Pack-a-punch machine. It is the equivalent of prodding your toaster, with a broken butter knife, while trying to release a delicious slice of crumpet that's stuck fast in the mechanism - also, imagine doing all of this while sitting in a nice warm bath of petrol. It's inevitable that under these circumstances something, somewhere, is bound to go wrong. It will take a few hundred firemen, and a hell of a lot of ice-cream to correct that little incident.


Are they any Secret levels?


No, unfortunately there are no secret levels. However, there are numerous 'Easter Egg' or 'Hidden Secrets' dotted around the map.
By definition, in gaming terms 'Easter eggs' are messages, videos, graphics, sound effects, or an unusual change in program behaviour that sometimes occur in a software program in response to some undocumented set of commands, mouse clicks, keystrokes or other stimuli intended as a joke or to display program credits.
To be honest 'Der Riese' has more than its fare share of 'Easter Eggs' when compared to other games. There are far too many to go into any great detail, but here are a few examples: -
There is a secret 'Fly Trap' game that can only be activated by a weapon that has been in the 'Pack-a-punch' machine. Playing this game, allegedly, activates the Type 99 gun, and the Saw-Gripped Double-barrel shot-gun, for the mystery box.
Going off on a slight tangent here, Der Riese maintains the gaming communities obsession with the hidden teddy-bear theme. Do you remember the Sniping point on the top of the 'High-Rise' map on CODMW2? Do you recall what was on the floor all along the roof ? Yep, that's right, it was a family of lovable teddies. Do you also recall what was hidden on top of the log, that was by the cave, under, and out of the map, on the far reaches of 'Somerset' in Resistance Fall Of Man? Yep, you're right again, it was the same bloody teddy-bear.
Anyway, apart from the teddy-bears, there are still many other items of hidden interest; such as radios; messages; written quotations and mysterious voices that can only be heard distantly from certain points around about the map.


The Nitty Gritty


We have spent a lot of time trying to master Zombies. In fact the sheer amount of time we have spent gracing it's many corridors is testament to the games pedigree. Personally, I've lost count of the number of times we have tried a different route; tested a theory; or a attempted a different strategy, simply to get further into the game than we have ever been before.
We have been over-joyed when we've succeeded, and reticent and reserved, but always treated it with good humour, when we've failed.

There are certain items, and sets of procedures that have to be followed, with the aim of success in Zombies:

We need crawlers. These are members of the Zombie family that have had their lower limbs blown-off. These poor little creatures lumber along very slowly, unless they still have one leg, and in that case they are usually pissed off and they tend to steam along like a Hamster on Speed. Crawlers enable us to raid the 'crate of fate' and abuse the 'Pack-a-punch' machine. They are essential to any chances of success.

Fire-power. Heavy machine-guns, Wunderwaffe, Monkey bombs, Garand (Crawler maker)
Grenades and ray guns. No shitty Kar98K's for us then, thank you very much.

Team work. Without this we're all doomed, we'll be nothing but walking Zombie suppers.

Spare Time: 3 hours for level 28, 4 hours for level 37 – need I say more?

A strategy: Kill the Zombies?

A Secret Weapon: Kerry - Pikey's girlfriend - who has an uncanny knack of predicting the arrival of the Zombie dog levels.

A large supply of lager, cola, Lucozade and snacks.

A puppy-free environment. I love you dearly dog, but please, stop shitting on my keyboard.

Luck: A huge, giant turd of good-fate, with a plate of chips please!


The Who's Who Guide.

I have had the privilege of playing 'Der Riese' along with Bobski, Pikeywhykey and Iron_Cross (the dream-team) on a regular basis. On other occasions, we have had Norfolk_UK, Toadie1234, CJ_Bains, Neon_Scorpion and Ruddy64. As a matter of pride we can all regularly reach the levels around the 28 to 32 mark with a matter of ease and without breaking into a sweat. At 3 to 4 hours a game, it's sleep rather than sweat that causes us issues.
To reach the higher levels and to get the higher kill scores, the number 3 is the magic number. Again, it's a question of mathematics; the fewer number of players is equal to the less quantity of Zombie hoards they will face. But, this basic fact does not sway our determination to attempt to get to the higher levels when we have a full complement of players. Besides, it's always more fun with four players.
It is my considered opinion that it will take the ultra-dream-team to get to level 40 – That will be Bobski, Pikeywhykey and Iron_Cross. Personally, I'm just the auxiliary gamer. The chap with no luck. I'm not sure whether it's either Mr. Pikey, or Mr. Cross, who holds the record for most kills. I am, on the other hand, in the Guinness Book of Records for persistently pulling the World's Shittiest gun out from the crate of Fate – The Kar98K - It was 25 times in on match. Zipperty Fooking Doodarr.
My luck is so bad that if I was a flying fish, I can guarantee that I would be: (1) Afraid of heights. (2) Allergic to water. (3) Have an accident on my very first flight; which would probably take the form of flying straight into the side of an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. (4) This 'said' accident would more than likely be me hitting, and consequently damaging, a vital piece of equipment on the 'said' oil-rig, with my stupid fat head. (5) The consequent malfunction would inadvertently cause millions of gallons of oil to escape, and sort of spill onto a beach in America and completely ruin it (6) It will end up being the very same beach I was heading for in the first place, in my attempt to mate with another flying-fish. That's just how my luck works. It's just a roller-coaster of doom.


For the Record.

Until very recently the high point for 'Der Riese' was:-

Level 35 : - Achieved by Iron_Cross, Pikeywhykey and Bobski.
Level 34 :- Achieved by Pikeywhykey, Iron_Cross, Foct-if-I-can-shoot-straight, Ruddy64.
Level 33 :- Two players – Pikeywhykey and the hindering Foct-if-I-can-shoot-straight.

However, at the moment, and this will be beaten in the very near future, the top score is:

Level 37: - Achieved by Pikeywhykey, Bobski and Foct-if-I-can-shoot-straight.

Author: Foctifino

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